Why Kindness is Killing You Slowly

Is Your Kindness an Expectation?

Photo by Mei-Ling Mirow on Unsplash

Kindness is one of those virtues that, when wielded correctly, can open doors, build relationships, and foster trust. But, like any good thing, too much of it — or applying it without discretion — can become a liability. In fact, being too kind can invite disrespect, not because kindness itself is a weakness, but because people have an uncanny ability to exploit it when they sense there’s no boundary.

Why?

Because human nature, for all its beauty, is opportunistic. When someone is consistently kind, accommodating, and available, people start to see that kindness not as a gift, but as an expectation. And expectations, once set, have a nasty way of morphing into entitlements. The more you give, the more people expect, and before you know it, you’re not being valued for your generosity; you’re being taken for granted.

We’ve all been there. A colleague asks for a “quick favor,” which turns into an hour of your time. A friend needs “just a moment” to vent, and suddenly you’re their unpaid therapist. And let’s not even talk about those clients who think 9-to-5 doesn’t apply to them because you’re “so easy to reach.” The issue? When kindness isn’t coupled with firm boundaries, it signals to the world that your time — and by extension, your worth — is negotiable.

Why Don’t People Value Your Time?

Time is the only non-renewable resource we have, and yet, it’s the one thing people are most careless with — especially when it belongs to someone else. Why? Because, simply put, people prioritize what serves them best. When you’re too kind, too available, and too accommodating, others assume your time is abundant and, worse, that it’s theirs to take.

People don’t value your time for three key reasons:

1. You Haven’t Taught Them To. If you don’t establish boundaries, others won’t assume they exist. If you always say yes, they’ll never believe no is an option.
2. They Value Their Own Time More. We live in an era of self-interest disguised as collaboration. People are focused on their own goals, deadlines, and needs. If you’re an enabler, they’ll keep enabling themselves — at your expense.
3. You’re Too Accessible. The more people can reach you, the less they value each interaction. If you’re always available, the assumption is your time must not be that valuable.

Think about it: When was the last time someone truly appreciated your time when they had unrestricted access to it? Scarcity drives value. If you want people to respect your time, make it clear that it’s not up for grabs without consequence.

The Consensus Trap: Why People Seek Agreement Over Truth

Another dangerous side effect of being too kind? People expect you to agree with them, to nod along, to make their lives easier by being agreeable. Consensus feels good because it creates harmony, but here’s the hard truth: consensus often comes at the expense of progress and truth.

The world is full of people searching for validation, not honesty. They don’t want to hear what they need to; they want to hear what makes them comfortable. When you’re overly kind, you become a prime target for these consensus seekers — the ones who prefer the illusion of agreement over the discomfort of reality.

Being too accommodating in conversations, meetings, and decisions means you’re not just wasting your time; you’re eroding your influence. The harsh truth is, people respect those who challenge them more than those who validate them. Why? Because deep down, we know that growth comes from discomfort, not coddling.

How to Reclaim Your Time, Value, and Influence

So, what’s the antidote to this kindness conundrum? How do you maintain the virtue without becoming a doormat? The answer lies in a few strategic moves:

1. Set Boundaries and Enforce Them Relentlessly. Stop being available 24/7. Set specific times for calls, meetings, and responses. Learn the power of saying, “I can’t right now, but here’s when I can.”
2. Be Selective with Your Yeses. Saying yes to everything devalues your own priorities. Choose where your kindness and generosity will have the most impact and politely decline the rest.
3. Introduce a Little Scarcity. When people think they can always have your time, they undervalue it. Limit access strategically and watch how people start to respect it more.
4. Embrace Directness. Kindness doesn’t have to mean agreeing with everyone. Learn to say, “I see your point, but here’s another perspective.” Respect comes from offering honest, constructive feedback — not being a yes-person.
5. Prioritize Yourself First. This one’s tough, especially if you’re wired to be helpful. But if you don’t put your own goals and well-being first, no one else will.
6. Know When to Walk Away. Not every relationship or opportunity deserves your kindness. Sometimes, the best move is to step back and invest your energy where it’s truly valued.

The Bottom Line

Kindness is a beautiful thing, but only when wielded with intention. Being too kind, too available, and too agreeable doesn’t earn you respect; it invites people to take advantage of you. If you want to be valued — your time, your input, your presence — you need to start treating yourself with the same respect you’re so eager to offer others.

People will always seek to maximize their own interests, and it’s up to you to make sure they don’t do it at your expense. Don’t just be kind — be kind with an edge. Set boundaries, say no, and watch how quickly respect follows.

Brian Fink is the author of Talk Tech To Me. He takes on the stress and strain of complex technology concepts and simplifies them for the modern recruiter. Pick up your copy today!